By
Michael G. Rayel, MD
A nice lady who sat beside me on
a plane narrated her life after learning that I’m a practicing psychiatrist.
“I can’t say ‘no.’ That’s my
problem for years. I‘m now 68 years old and I still try to please everyone
except myself. I feel guilty if I say ‘no.’ I should have seen a psychiatrist
earlier in my life.”
Honestly, I feel bad for her. She
says “yes” to everyone except to herself. She’s too busy pleasing everyone and
has suffered from it. Because she can’t say “no,” people have taken advantage
of her. Since she can’t decide for herself, someone has to decide for her.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is saying what you
want in a polite way, without hurting anyone. To get a clear understanding of
what it is, I’ll also tell you what it is not. Asserting oneself is not being
passive or being aggressive.
On one hand, being passive is a
state of inaction and indecision, letting others run one’s life despite hurt
feelings. A typical example is a person who can’t say “no” to the demands of
her in-laws. On the other hand, being aggressive is an offensive action where one
hurts the feelings of others. Through force, fear, confrontation, and
intimidation, this individual imposes himself or herself on others.
Being passive and aggressive is
counterproductive. It destroys rather than build. It saps all positive
energies. Being assertive is the best approach to life’s tricky issues.
What are the five ways to assert
yourself?
Know where you stand
Before you can effectively assert
yourself, know where you stand.
Ask these questions before you
say “yes” or “no” to people’s demands. What do you like? What makes you feel
comfortable? What pleases you? What’s your priority? What would you like to
happen? What will make you happy?
In other words, know who you are
and what you stand for. A “yes” or “no” answer is not as simple as what we
think it is. Your “yes” or “no” can be a life-changing event. So take it
seriously and make sure that your response should come from the heart.
Create a pleasant atmosphere
Before saying anything, try to establish
rapport. Talk about positive things as much as possible. Share common
interests, hobbies, and recreational activities. Talk about children, family,
movies, or even love life. Say something good about the person. No doubt, such
simple gesture can melt one’s heart.
Even the weather or traffic can
be a good connecting point. Use any topic the other person can relate to.
In short, create the desired
atmosphere before you say the right things. Anything you say can thrive if you
make others happy. Make the situation pleasant and conducive for change to
occur. Make it easy for others to accept your suggestions or decisions.
Say what you want
After establishing a conducive
atmosphere, say what you want in a clear, firm voice. Don’t stammer and appear
unsure. Show an aura of confidence. Be true to yourself.
Begin your statement with “I” followed
by active verbs such as choose, prefer, think, decide, like, or request and
then followed by what you want. For example, a friend invites you to a party,
you can say, “I’d prefer to stay home. Thanks anyway.” Never say “you” if you
don’t want to put the person on a defensive.
Be firm with your decision
After saying what you want, be
firm. Stick with your decision. Don’t be swayed by sharp arguments, subtle bribery,
deceiving charisma, sweet promises, or warm friendship.
Let them hear your voice. Let
them respect you. Show them that you actually count. By listening and accepting
your decision, they can prove to you that you’re just being you.
You are entitled to say “No”
Say what you want without making
excuses or justification. And never feel guilty. Remember, you are entitled to
say “no.” You deserve to be heard. Your feelings and choices need to be valued.
Your “no” is just as important as
your “yes.” Don’t let anyone take this privilege away from you. This is your
birthright. Your yeses and nos simply represent your uniqueness. By saying
exactly what you feel and want, you are showing who you are.
About the Author:
Dr. Michael G. Rayel — author, game inventor, and psychiatrist — has created the
Oikos Game Series to promote emotional health. Since 2005, he has published
Oikos’ Insights! www.oikosinsights.com as an online
resource for personal development. Visit www.oikosglobal.com or
www.soardime.com for more info.