I have seen it in my practice. Miscommunication has often been an easy passport to emotional turmoil and chaotic existence. What are some ways to communicate so your partner will listen?
Set understanding as the main goal
When dealing with your partner, always aim for understanding rather than confusion, for agreement rather than argument. You can never go wrong if you make this as your main goal or even a motto. It is not easy though since it requires some effort to put your ego aside for the sake of harmony.
Prioritize understanding as much as you can. But never sacrifice your independence, your choices, and your values. Understanding doesn’t mean surrender; it simply means accommodating your partner’s individuality so together you can achieve success.
Be gentle
Being gentle is the quickest way to show that you are willing to listen. Show that you value your partner’s position through your sweet voice. Make your facial expression as agreeable as possible. Smile . . . even if you want to frown so badly. Give your partner frequent and warm eye contact that can melt his or her heart.
During your discussions, provide proper gestures. Nod your head. Lean forward. Make short positive comments. Tone down your voice. Don’t stand up suddenly and never swing your arms for no obvious reason. Avoid any stance that can be sensed as aggressive.
Aim for agreeable position
You may believe that you and your partner are poles apart. But you know what? Your togetherness simply proves there is glue that makes you stick as a couple, that you mutually share same ideas and interests. It’s your role to find out what that glue is.
Perhaps you can try to answer some questions. What are your partner’s positions that you can relate with? What are some of your partner’s ideas that you like although different from yours? What do you enjoy sharing together? About delicate issues, explore some ideas that you share and believe in. You will be surprised that you actually have many areas in common.
Appreciate the other side
Your partner deserves respect. Long-held beliefs and ideas must be important for his or her self-esteem and sanity. Show that you care by appreciating them though such convictions may sound illogical. Remember, your partner cherishes unique sets of principles and will not easily give these up simply because you are together.
The best approach is to recognize your partner’s uniqueness. By doing this, you’re not necessarily devaluing and disrespecting your own. You’re just embracing another person’s individuality so you can appreciate yours as well.
Control brewing negative emotions
When two people with varying DNA deal with issues, it’s likely to precipitate anger, discontent, disappointment, and frustration. It’s normal. No doubt, complex problems can elicit discomfort never before experienced.
Your role at this stage is to recognize the brewing emotions, to identify triggers, and to contain such emotions as soon as possible. During potentially explosive discussions, excuse yourself for a few minutes. Walk away. Confine yourself in the bedroom for a few hours. Roam around the mall. Walk in the park. Stay away until you feel better, until you feel ready to give a hug rather than to throw a punch.
As a social being, you have a task to strengthen rather than to ruin your relationships. Make your partner feel important through deep understanding and practical communication techniques.
Dr. Michael G. Rayel — author, game inventor, and psychiatrist — has created the Oikos Game Series to promote emotional health and A 31-Day Series to help kids and teens. Since 2005, he has published Oikos’ Insights! www.oikosinsights.com as an online resource for personal development. Visit www.oikosglobal.com for more info. Also, he has offered psychiatry board review for ABPN II. Visit www.psychedu.com for details.
