By

Michael G. Rayel, MD


Children bombard families with many challenging behaviours. As parents, we are delighted if their behaviour is mostly positive. But what if your kids constantly display harmful behaviour? How are you going to deal with it?

It can get frustrating for a mother who is yelled at every time she says ‘no’ to her child.

In my clinic, I’ve seen parents who feel desperate when their son or daughter who used to behave like a “saint” is now disrespectful, oppositional, and threatening. Some are at a loss finding the right solution to their child’s misadventures.

As parents, what are your options?


Establish a Hierarchy of Consequences for Inappropriate Behaviour


Different behaviours require varying degrees of discipline. There is no single method effective for all individuals and all types of unacceptable behaviour.

One helpful way of instilling order is by creating a graduated form of discipline — from a simple and effortless method to a more serious way of dealing with it.


Ignoring the Behaviour


Certain behaviour becomes worse if you pay attention to it. Temper tantrum is one example. One way to deal with some behaviour like temper tantrum is to ignore it. Don’t give in. Try to look away and don’t smile. Focus on what you’re doing rather than on the child’s behaviour. Don’t try to please.

I’ve seen many children stop their inappropriate behaviour almost instantly when they don’t get what they expect which is attention.


Granny Gestures


This is the second line of offence against inappropriate behaviour. This type of discipline can deal with both major and minor infractions. Granny gestures simply show to the child the target behaviour is not acceptable.

Such gestures simply involve hand movements such as waving the right pointing finger back and forth after an incident. And it should be done immediately after an inappropriate behaviour. For instance, when your child is not cleaning up or not making the bed, wave your pointing finger.


Counting One to Five


Counting one to five is the next level if your child remains defiant or unresponsive to your granny gestures. This requires a reminder that the unacceptable behaviour still exists and if it continues after you count to five, then a more serious form of consequence will be enforced.

Also, counting provides your child the time to think and to realize his or her mistake. It gives your child the opportunity to change.


Time-out


Time-out is a more serious form of discipline. If the inappropriate behaviour persists, you tell your child to go to one corner of your house. The corner should be well lit, safe, and not isolated. It should be a place where you can still see what your child is doing. During this time, don’t give any toy or reading material, and avoid communicating with your child.

What should be the appropriate duration for time-out? In my opinion, the duration should depend on the nature of the infraction, the frequency of such infraction, and the age of your child. If your three-year-old child is having a tantrum, a three-minute time-out is proper. But you can stretch the time to four to five minutes if the infraction is major, for example stealing. Use your judgment.


Taking Away Privileges


Taking away privileges requires that you first identify your child’s hobbies, likes, and interests at home and that you take one or more of them away for a certain time as a consequence of inappropriate behaviour.

For instance, your child has repeatedly stolen and hasn’t responded to above measures. You can then take away his or her computer privileges for one night. Take away the toy or activity that interests your child. Taking away privileges should be time-limited, realistic, and feasible.

In summary, discipline needs simple, practical strategy. Shower your children with love and affection. Give them toys. But be firm and consistent. Remember, discipline is not only for their well-being. It also benefits your family and the whole community.


About the Author:

Dr. Michael G. Rayel — author, game inventor, and psychiatrist — has created the Oikos Game Series to promote emotional health. Since 2005, he has published Oikos’ Insights! as a resource for personal development. Suggest a topic at www.oikosglobal.com